Louis Van Gaal – The Real Statement

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Louis Van Gaal Army is few and far between today

The biggest secret in world football is out. Louis Van Gaal has being given the door by Ed Woodward and the Glazers and leaves the rest of the board facing up to the prospect of dealing with a certain Portuguese translator as new head coach. If Louis had his way, this is what he is really thinking.

“It has been an honour to manage such a magnificent club as Manchester United FC, and in doing so, I have fulfilled a long-held ambition.”

“I am immensely proud to have helped United win the FA Cup for the 12th time in the club’s history. I have been privileged during my management career to have won 20 trophies but winning the FA Cup, which is steeped in so much history, will always be one of the most special achievements of my career.”

Louis: Mission accomplished. I won the FA Cup and you still sacked me. Alex Ferguson, you were one lucky boy to survive as long as you did back in the 80’s. Piranhas alert!

“I am very disappointed to be unable to complete our intended three-year plan. I believe that the foundations are firmly in place to enable the club to move forward and achieve even greater success.”

Louis: Shocked but not surprised when Ed Woodward continually dithering on transfer market, I had to call on the young kids in the club. I discovered Rashford (by accident), Martial (I bought), Lingard (crawling around Derby last season), Fosu Mensah (Ajax boy like myself). The youth is bright at the club but Jose will destroy in one fell swoop.

“I thank my players and wish them well for next season. It has been a pleasure to work with them and it has been particularly rewarding to see so many young players take their chance to break into the first team and excel. I look forward to watching the continued development of these young players next season.”

Louis: Thanks Phil Jones for your service, incredible performances on the terraces this season particularly in Anfield. Jose will be in for a treat. The kids are special, not sure I can say the same for the likes of Herrera and Schweinsteiger. Thank god, David De Gea is our goalkeeper to protect Chris Smalling from a nervous breakdown having to coax Denny Blind through games at center-halve (masterstroke move from yours truly).

“Thank you to the owners and board of Manchester United for giving me the opportunity to manage this great club.”

Louis: Thanks Ed and the American owners for the job opportunity. I will be entirely grateful for the Game of Thrones ending today. Don’t hold your breathe for a Christmas card from Amsterdam this year.

“I would also like to express my gratitude to the amazing United supporters. They are truly the best fans in the world.”

Louis: The football on display was shite but we are all part of the Louis Van Gaal Army; nothing else matters. I will always remember you Ajax (sorry Manchester).

“I am indebted to my support and coaching staff, who have given me their all during their time at the club.”

Louis: Thanks Ryan for controlling your mates on telly pundit work this season, it was an absolute joy to listen to their thoughtful insight, constantly undermining my authority. Paul Scholes, come and see me when you decide to manage Oldham Athletic and tell me about entertaining football then.

“I am deeply grateful to each and every member of the club’s staff – the sports science team, the medical team, the kit and laundry department, club administration, the press office, the manager’s team, the Academy team, ground staff and the catering team, both at Old Trafford stadium and Carrington training ground, all of whom have given me their unwavering support in my time at United. Never in my 25 years as a manager have I been so well supported in my role.”

Louis: I should have included that lady who played the saxophone at our end of season party last year, what a joy. As for the medical team, thanks for tying my hands behind my back. Bastian was supposed to be with you but where has he gone? Lovely people you are, keep in touch on Linkedin.com!

“Finally, my special thanks go to Sir Alex Ferguson and Sir Bobby Charlton for always making me and my family feel so welcome throughout my time as Manchester United manager.”

Louis: My forever friends who know football not like the clowns Woodward or Glazers who could not wait to get rid of me. We will keep in touch when UEFA draws take place in the summer and recall good times. Bring that lady saxophone player as well. I am off on my holidays now, see you soon.